Jan 012004

I grieve now. For a loss. And I grieve with all my heart.

I could only wish for time to fly by as fast as it could.

I wish to close my eyes in the night and not wake up to any morning.

I wish to shut myself from the world, and grieve in private.

For I have lost something dear to me, something precious, something I would want to be mine alone but couldn’t.

My soul grieves. My soul cries. My eyes bear no tears. Death is not half as horrifying as the grief I feel now. The world around me will go on turning. The feast will not wait for me. The show must go on without me.

Let the world move onwards without me, for I grieve now, and I can’t grieve and run at the same time. My grief takes away most of my energy for running, and whatever is left is eaten up by my grief.

I can do nothing now. I grieve and I have none left for me.

Oh, the grief of having to regain trust that has been broken! Oh, the loneliness! The sorrow! The torment! The anguish! The agony!

Thorn upon thorn upon my head, within my thoughts, around my heart. Oh, day of a million sorrows! Be gone from me, insolent creature of sadness. Depart from me, loathsome shadow of despair.

Or just give me death. Death–the blessing of eternal oblivion. A burden lighter than the slow and grinding and long moment of grief. Spare me from the crushing grip of grief, oh Death! Save me from this coldness, this emptiness, this dark and lonely cave where my demons torture me each second.

Put me to sleep, if not temporarily, then at least eternally.

For grief has come to visit and spite me, to raid my home of every warmth that it has left in the hearth. And I am now stricken with fear, paralyzed with helplessness, by its presence in my house.

(First published on my private blog in 2004.)

Jan 012004

Where are you, my beloved? You who unceasingly professed love and affection for me, where are you?

You hide yourself from me at this time when I’m in the pit of despair and agony, at this time in my life when all my sins pin me down and I need a Simon to help me bear my yoke all the way to Golgotha? Where are you, sweet creature, at this most bitter hour of my need?

You are far away from me. The seas divide us and keep us apart. Not even the swiftest of thoughts dare bridge us now.

Nor the warm breath of your thought could give me solace and comfort on this cold night. I shiver. I shake. I convulse with fright and fear at uncertainty.

You used to fan the flames of my hearth with your words professing love. But the embers are dead tonight. The ashes are cold. Only the black, charred remains of the fire that once raged are left. And their loneliness shatters the silence, their loneliness narrates the detailed story of pain. In the cold darkness, they bear witness to the transience of everything and pay homage to the Law of the Non-Eternal. In the dark coldness, they groan silently with me.

Ignorance abounds. The absence of joy is too glaring. The night will be long. Sunrise is far away. The sun has just set. Night is setting in, heralded by the dusk, the light dying at twilight. The curtain falls. The spotlight fades. The party’s over. Tomorrow is yet a dream about to come true.

I yearn for dawn. Even just the mere thought of the first glimmer of a soft sunbeam would be enough to get me through this night.

But there’s no sign of light anytime soon.

Everything is in complete darkness.

I have been blinded by the darkness.

I now live in oblivion.

(First published on my private blog in 2004.)

Jan 012004

Do I deserve all these?

Yes. I do.

Nothing happens without a reason. I may not have the insight to understand the reasons right now, but my current inability to understand does not preclude the existence of reasons. Someday I shall understand.

Nothing happens that is undeserved. I deserve all the pain, as well as the pleasures. I deserve all the good, as well as the bad. I deserve all the tears, as well as the laughter. I deserve everything that happened to me, is happening to me, and will be happening to me.

Why? Because these are the things I’ve been asking for all along—whether consciously or unconsciously—and I deserve them. I have to learn to embrace them, and welcome them as part of me.

Who I am right now is meant for the things that I’m getting. The kind of person that I was, am, and will be attracts these very things. And I shouldn’t begrudge myself, or other people, because of these. After all, I’ve been asking the Universe for these.

If there’s one precious lesson that I rediscovered today, it is this:

Be careful what you ask for—you just might get it.

The Universe always grants your wishes—those that you make consciously, as well as the ones that your heart secretly murmurs. The Universe always grants your wishes, sometimes immediately, sometimes at a later time. Regardless of when your wishes are granted, the fact remains that once you wish for them, they will be granted.

The Universe doesn’t miss.

And with every wish that is granted comes a consequence. Nothing comes for free, I guess. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That’s the Law of the Universe. You don’t get anything for free.

Am I willing to pay the price?

I’m still paying the price.

(First published on my private blog in late 2004.)

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